saharaaa

Sometimes, I just like being completely alone, idle. Reading books, book after book, more complex than the last. It's a lonely journey, I don't seek out a social life anymore, they seek out me.

I sit in my cold, collapsible room of my mind, there's no call option.
Receive, receive, receive.

If only the people who loved me called more than once a week, or before midnight, before my life is in a different dimension. I'd be in a better place, a more content illusion of how my lifes going. Instead I put all my aspirations and dreams into one day out of the week, maybe one day out of every two weeks, and it's depressing. You're voice soothes me, you're presence soothes me more. I'm not even able to cry when you're around, even if I'm sad about you, about everything. I wish my feelings for you could be conducted for the rest of my outlook on life. I wish I was always excited and expectant and anxious for everything it brought to me. Too bad, it's just you.

It's sad, it's not intended. I can't stop it, can't help it. I kind of like it though.

I just like company, reallYYY!

i can't get by in the road of my life without passing parts of your name at every sign posted by every dirty window

i don't know why, i don't know how

am i stupid or just crazy? you don't know 'cause you can't see

i've got a new one in mind, it never works but it's always entertaining to imagine.

it's so hard to feel passionate about anything, when i'm not in love. nothing's as exciting or invigorating. it's hard to explain, this apathy. i've got a new 'friend with benefits' and i'm glad it's just that, he seems to really like me which always happens when i'm not in love with them first. odd how that works hm?

one thing i still can't get over is the one i RUINED. i mean, it's not a constant thing, it's just, he always appears in my dreams. and dreams, i believe, are just as real as when you're awake, you're going to spend half of your life dreaming. so it's almost reassuring. that you're still there somehow.

you're not even the central part in my dreams, sometimes you're just a cameo. you appear briefly, but so vivid. i remember you by my dreams, you're wearing that beige back pack, and you're just you, so you. you make me feel. thank you.

I'm so predictable, of course I fall for the confident guy with good taste in music, the (usually) older guy, the same smile on their faces, you can tell their outlook on life, that mishcievious look, like they're challenging me-

"I drink on buss, I smoke weed, obviously I don't care about the law."

It's just what you give off, your vibe, not my fault. You didn't even ask my age, thank gOOOdness, but I know yours, you're birthday is that day, you recall, you're alone. You're 22 and you're drinking alone on a bus to the mall around 6:00 PM, and it's so dark outside, contrasting with the harsh bright lights inside this bus, I can't see where we are. It's ok though because you do.

I shouldn't be allowed to have contact with anyone over 18, I'm just going to cause trouble. However, I'm still going to call that number you gave me. I'm going to play my cards right, it wont happen again, lightning can't strike the same place twice. I don't know, there's really no metaphorical term I can use to describe how I feel that it's ok this time. It just, is.


I hope you're the stranger I think you are.

stumble apon me, why don't you?




i've been getting better at guitar, read tabs, almost patient enough to learn whole songs, i am doing the best that i can.

it's not just that

my life and your life has been going so and so and so

the world is starting to look more like a cloudless view of the universe, nothing shaded in or left to pick apart.

it's too much, it's too infitely deep and i'm not sure i can handle what's laid out for my future, or even futures i've apparently broken.

friends are few but always there, i've had fun hanging out and doing my teenage rebelious act for as long as i can do, and it's almost to much, but never enough.

i was in love once, or twice, or thrice, but now it's a little too sad, a little too 'adult' as you will.

i'm glad though, in a way. it's grounded me, reality over my vivid imagination of what was or could've been. i'm torn, actually, because i have my infatuations, but they're not worth the risk, or at least that's what the logical part of my mind tells me. if he ever were to call again, i don't know if i'd hang up or beg him to come over and start things over, promising to be more discreet, more careful about every little thing. i don't care if i'd be your secret because you'd be mine too, i'd say, i say in my dreams. but i messed it up already, it's unforgivable actually, when i think about it, stupid, careless, and i still do feel guilty. i'm getting over it a little more everyday. but it gets a little more over me in my dreams, which is actually just as much of reality, too.

have you ever seen the movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind? well i feel like i'm in some slightly realistic version of that. suddenly i've waken up to a world where i'm suppose to act like i've never known or loved someone, there was no closure, and there probably wont be. it's just... difficult, i'm so glad i've got it out though now, it's all part of getting out of it, or getting into it.

She picked up the bottle off her desk, early morning. Preparing to take a drink, she suffered from a dry, dry mouth, which happens when you breath through your mouth in your sleep like she does nearly every night.

"Don't drink that water, it's stale. Put fresh water into that." He tells her.

"Water doesn't go stale." she said, tentatively.

"But it's not the same water that's been sitting in this room all night. I want new, fresh poured water." Contemplation in his voice.

"It's all the same, fresh water you drink all the time. More of the same."

"Well I guess I just like change, then."

"We only know the worth of water when the well is dry."

It only upsets me when I dwell on it.

I can't decipher from reality.

because i'm young!!!

get out all your creativity and dreams, put them into something tangible and real, but you don't know how to do it, because you're barely real.

add me.